Two weeks ago I made a presentation about teen driving to a group of parents in White Plains, New York. During the question and answer period, a woman identified herself as a single mother and said that her son is 17 years old and “much bigger and stronger than I am.” In other words, she was having a great deal of trouble controlling him, including his driving. She asked what she should do. Like everyone in the room, I was immediately empathetic to her situation. It was difficult to listen to the despair in her voice.
Noting that what I had to say was easier said than done, I offered three pieces of advice. First I said that, as hard as it might be, if her son is taking the car without permission and driving dangerously, then she needs to consider getting the police involved. A son in trouble with the law is better than a son who is injured or dead. That’s just reality.
Second, I advised that she use a parent-teen driving agreement, and that she make signing it non-negotiable. In other words, unless she and her son agree on the rules for taking and using the car, then she should ban him from driving until they do so, and of course build into the agreement when and how driving privileges will be lost due to misconduct. (Again, easy to say, harder to do, but at least something.)
Third, I reminded her that as with some aspects of being a single parent, she should try to get help, to not think that she must go it alone. My model parent-teen driving agreement has a provision for a third-party mediator, maybe a relative or neighbor, someone who can be called on to intervene and settle things down in a heated moment. I told the mother that she might be surprised how many people would be willing to undertake this role.
This mother’s comment certainly highlighted that controlling a teen driver is hard enough for any parent, but especially tough for a single parent. A parent-teen driving agreement is a way to introduce some rules and enforcement, short of turning over an unruly or misbehaving teen to law enforcement.
