Friends: I continue to receive comments from parents about His Father Still — insightful comments that go well beyond what I wrote and provide a depth of perspective that leaves me speechless. Below, with permission, but with names deleted to protect privacy, a mother’s email. I offer this not as a response to my new book but as more in a string of intriguing descriptions of parenting that I am now receiving from readers:
I have met your son via your book. You have done well by Reid as the book is so eloquently written and is the truth. You present a positive image of your son as he truly was. Throughout my reading I had multiple episodes of tears and a cascade of reflections on my own family and life. At the very last page I did not want the book to end and wondered why. It was because you succeeded being Reid’s hero to present very vividly exactly what he was like and the loss of someone as wonderful as he, even if a stranger to me, is hard.
How do I see Reid? As someone who genuinely cared about those in his life despite all the other insignificant stuff like the expulsion, or typical defiant teenage behavior. As I always say to my family, the flow of water will always seek its level. I have two children, one who is 19 and one almost 18, and my husband and I have gone through many trials guiding them to stay on track. What I’ve learned however from life is that people are always going to be who they are innately despite the external influence of a parent or teacher.
What I mean by that, and the analogy of water seeking its level, I see Reid’s ADD as his gift. Although he struggled academically, it enabled him to pursue his most valuable traits as one who serves and supports others. His friends defined him which is why he had to go to them more often that you would have liked. His friendships were so important to him that his “water” was to seek out those relationships because it was where he shined. You and Ellen did everything that my husband and I would have done had our child been challenged as Reid was, yet my belief is the stronger force for Reid was he himself, in that we are always ‘who we are’. As a child I used to tell my parents that “I’m my own person” and they never really understood what I meant. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for mainstream education to accommodate a gifted person like Reid. But I suspect that all the challenges pushed him even harder to be who he was, a gift to the youngsters he took care of in church and camp, to his friends, and of course to his little sister. The note he wrote where he said he loved you and Ellen was the cherry on top of his being.
It was at the end of your book that I had an epiphany. In the context of Reid’s accident it was clear to me that he didn’t steer the car to avoid the guardrail in self-preservation like most people would have done; instead he steered to take the force of the crash to spare his friends. That is who he is, from what I can gather. Again, he nurtured his friends up to his last breath.
My daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 2 ½ and in 1999 given only a 10-15% chance of living. Her treatments, radiation specifically, have caused her great cognitive damage among other impacts to her physical body. Although she lived, my original daughter was taken from me at age 2 but her personality and kind essence remained intact. Her chronological age of 19 far exceeds her cognitive age of 12 or 13, and that is her gift. She is pure and people love her. Despite cancer (similar to Reid’s ADD), she has made an indelible mark on others. What every parent wants is for a child to make a good mark in life and this book helps me for what we have lost.
In all life there is the dichotomy. One child who is good at schoolwork and the other who isn’t. One child who is ill while the other is healthy. Night and day. Black and white on the page, etc. This dichotomy is everywhere I look. Even to the extent of bare tree branches in the winter against a blue sky being the flipped version of that same tree’s roots in the dark ground. What I’ve learned from my loss is that contrast is good because it makes me appreciate life more. In fact, after Ayla’s diagnosis we too used to talk about all the intense colors in the world.
In life we can make a big splash all up front like Reid did with his loving nature. Or we can make a series of little splashes all through our long lives. Again the dichotomy. But in Reid’s case he will endure in life in that he has done three positive things because of his life: 1) strengthened the teen driving laws; 2) forever changed his friends; and 3) causing you to write this book that will help all who read it to understand more about themselves, their parents and children.
I hope he remains by your side each and every day.
